Tag Archives: letters

Dear Kid,

6 Oct

Dear kid who jumped a curb and almost killed me because you were texting while driving,

Seriously?! I mean, really?! How many people have to tell you that texting while driving is dangerous before you listen? I saw you too, I knew it was going to happen because I’m the most paranoid person on the planet and I watch every car that comes within 50 yards of me. I saw you with your Bieber hair (how can you even see the road, let alone your phone, with those side-swept emo bangs?) and your popped collar (I’ll write you another letter about that one–just, no) and your stupid little smile as you typed away on your stupid little phone.

Another thing, are you even aware that the speed limit on campus is like 10 miles an hour?! This means that you are allowed to go, at max, 18 miles an hour. You? Well, I’m pretty sure you were coasting at 45. I know this because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have FEARED FOR MY LIFE had you been going between 10-18. So there you are, flying down the road texting your friend about how cool it is to have hair in your eyes that causes you to flip your head ever 2.4 seconds. And here I am, walking on the sidewalk after a LONG day of class wanting nothing else but to get to my car so I can drive home. But no, first I must have a near-death experience to really end the day well. Did you even see me? Did you even know you were on campus at the time? Or were you too busy checking your Facebook for comments to a status that you had updated 2 minutes before. I wonder if that status said “Hey guys, about to head to class. Maybe I’ll scare the crap out of someone today LOL :)” I’m sure you’re a decent person outside of your car (minus the popped collar and wannabe hair) but maybe it’s time to reevaluate things. What if I wasn’t paranoid and hadn’t been looking. What if some asshole biker came flying down the sidewalk at the same time you did? We would have had ourselves a Bike-Mansee-Car sandwich, and not the good kind. Or what if I had checked my phone at that time (which I’m allowed to do since I was walking and not controlling a large people-killing machine) and didn’t see you? I might not have jumped out of the way. And then I’d be on the ground.

And you might be in jail.

Sigh. Do me a favor, kid, and check out Oprah’s website. Actually just click *here* and do what it says. Make your car a “no phone zone” so this doesn’t happen again. Do this so Oprah doesn’t come beat you up. Because she will, she will literally punch you in the face with her billion dollar fist. And I’ll stand there (alive!) and laugh. I will laugh at the billion dollar punch and I won’t feel that bad, just like how you probably don’t feel bad that you almost ended my life.

(Not so) sincerely, Mansee